It's gonna be a happy new year.

Here it is. You guys knew it was coming. The end of the year entry.

This year has been a lonely year for me. As much as I've looked past it and reveled in the amazing experiences I've had, this is the first full year I haven't had any sort of relationship. Sure, I've had crushes and dates and "situations," but nothing more. I've had no real potentials, no one to really focus my energy on. I've had no idea what to do with myself, so my focus turned inward. I'm so grateful that it did, because I really think I needed it. School became a bigger priority and I've had amazing theatre experiences. However, working on myself doesn't help my loneliness. Even with my friends, I don't feel like I have one person that is my right-hand friend that will never stray. And maybe that's my fault and maybe that's not. But I have so much to give, and I have spent so much time going over and over in my head the right things to do for someone you love. And yet, it's all still here, in my head.

I admit that I get bored very easily, and my mind wanders. I want to do everything, I want to be friends with everyone, I want a little taste of it all. And in love, a lot of the times I do think that I'm too picky. But then reality kicks back in and I remind myself that it's not too much to ask. The kind of guy I want is not unreasonable. The things I ask for in a relationship and/or friendship are not obnoxious. I've done a LOT in the search for love. I've given up a lot in the hopes of finding someone worth it all. And I've been disappointed over and over. And, I mean, I've come to terms with that. I'm DEFINITELY not one to hold grudges, in any way, shape or form. I just feel like a lot of the people in my life DO hold grudges. I feel like a lot of the people I've encountered just can't let things go. And so I don't know how to handle that because I'm not like that. I mean, I'm not unhappy with my life in any way, don't get me wrong. I just...I need to change my outlook.

I just closed A Christmas Carol and I met about 12 high school seniors who reminded me of the fun in life. They reminded me of myself as a senior. They're just about to begin their lives, they're living life day to day and enjoying every single second, with excitement and hope in their eyes, with optimism and faith in their hearts. I want to experience life like that again. I want to continue making myself happy and not worry so much about other people's opinions of me or keeping other people happy. I spend so much of my time making other people happy. And not that it makes me unhappy, but I assume that if I do that, they'll love me no matter what, or accept me as I am, or show me that they'll always be there for me. And I've learned that isn't always true. I always need that comfort of knowing other people accept me. And I wish I didn't, but that's just who I am. So, where does that leave me? Well, I'll tell you.

Every year I tell myself that in the following year I won't be so worried about boys. But this year I'm going to change that. I'm going to continue focusing on myself. In 2010, I am going to be myself, totally and completely. I'm not going to make excuses and I'm not going to disappoint myself. I'm going to accept myself for who I am.