Would you hold it against me?

There's a ton running through my mind at 4:15am on a Saturday morning. I'm thinking about youth, I'm thinking about life, I'm thinking about relationships, about love, about hate, about friendships, about the way we all interact with one another. College has blind-sighted me with a lot of experiences I never thought I'd have to deal with. And, I like to play this big shot game where I think I know everything. It's my favorite game. I play it every single day of my life. But the truth is, I'm just as scared and immature and unprepared as everyone else. And I don't know if this game I play makes me a genius or an imbecile.

The more I actually think about being in a relationship, the more irritated I get at the very idea.  Maybe it makes me selfish that I want a boy who will put up with whatever the fuck it is that I do, or complain about, or talk shit on. And maybe it makes me picky that I want a guy who will be able to get along and enjoy the company of all the different kinds of friends I have. Maybe it makes me naive to want someone who will be my other half, who will not take away from my personality, but will add to it. We have all of these obscure dating websites and events and rituals that are supposed to make it easier for us to meet people. And no doubt, they have helped me meet new people. But, does quantity trump quality? I'm done trying to figure out men. I'm done making excuses for the ones who don't know how to deal with situations. I don't want to be your relationship tutor.

I don't know why I always resort to talking about relationships. I guess it's still the same reason I've always talked about relationships. I have everything else I need in life. I just don't have anyone to share it with. And in all honesty, I'm 21 years old, I'm legitimately going to have the rest of my life to deal with men and their drama. Obviously I don't want to be lonely. But, I will not allow myself to date someone/get sucked into a situation just because I'm tired of being lonely. It's not worth it. And this didn't dawn on me suddenly in the middle of R.E.M. It wasn't like some guy dumped me and I finally saw the light. It's just been experience after experience after experience of people who aren't worth my time.













I just want someone who will be worth it.

This time won't you save me?

Alright, so Thanksgiving was lovely. I am currently here in Carlsbad with my father and we had a wonderful feast last night with his brother and his brother's family. I got a moment to look back on this year and really reflect. It truly has been a crazy, crazy year. Almost every aspect of my life is different than it was in November 2009...But that's all coming in a later post. My initial inspiration for this post is something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. In premise, I would like to say that I have not posted a "relationship"post in a long time, and I am perfectly content with my life where it is. I love my school, I love my friends, I love my life. I cannot remember the last time I was truly sad. Well, I guess that would be sometime around the beginning of June, but either way, the point is I am very happy with my current situation.

Okay, so, in the past two months I have met more boyfriends and girlfriends and friends with benefits and best friends in love than I can count on two hands. I have seen more people find each other and like each other and fall for each other and cry about each other than I have ever seen in my life. I guess it's because we're all college kids, living the real college life now, right? I have seen people who have been together for 5 years and are still going strong, and people who drunkenly stumbled upon each other one night and really found a connection. Love is in the air all around me. And I refuse to be jaded enough to say that love does not exist in the gay community. I refuse to be naive enough to say the gays are too shallow to really be searching for a connection. Those used to be my excuses, my personal ways of explaining why I was so lonely. But everyone wants that intimacy and connection with someone, and that is what I am here to write about. I want a relationship, sure, but I don't want it overnight and I don't want it to be superficial. I want that feeling of someone staring at me endearingly as I get worked up, talking passionately about theater. And something like that takes time. My standards aren't unrealistic. I just won't allow myself to settle, so they feel unreachable. Boys used to stress me out, more than any of you actually know. I've gotten to a point where I realized there's nothing I can do but NOT stress out. If someone is going to love me, he is going to love me. And there is no reason I should be something or someone else for this person. It seems almost laughable doesn't it, that I would need to realize something like that? In any case, I think this is the first time in my life that I can actually say that I'm ready for a real relationship. And along with that readiness comes an extra sense of patience. Because I know the next relationship I am in will be a real one. Which is pretty liberating.

Get ready for the showdown.

Wow, let's see. School is school. I'm 89% sure I'm heading to Irvine in the fall, which is exciting and scary and insane and amazing. It actually really scares me, but I just need to get out of here. I'm done with the Bay Area. I'm officially moved in with Karsyn, and things are going well on that front. It feels really good to be able to be so independent. You're never really prepared for it, you just have to do it, I suppose. I'm transferring to a store out in Dublin, so my life is officially here in the valley. I miss my parents a lot, but I know they're doing well. It's going to be really weird when they're all settled in Oceanside. The weird thing about all the changes in my life, is that I can FEEL myself growing up. Like, I can pinpoint specific thoughts that go through my head and say, "I didn't used to think like this. I didn't used to care about things like this." Super strange. I guess the biggest news is that Jesse and I broke up. I know I talked all that shit about how I wanted to be in a relationship and I wanted someone and I was sick of being lonely, but Jesse was too much of all of that. We dated for a total of two and a half months, and VERY early on, I felt like I was married. He was trying to force himself into myself, and me into his. I mean, we both made mistakes and I'm certainly in no position to point fingers, but the point of all of this is that I've realized how important it is to NOT jump into relationships. It's vital to get to know someone before decided to date them seriously. And I know I'm guilty of getting excited about a boy and getting sucked into the idea and not seeing reality. Epiphanies come at different times to different people, and this one came late to me, but at least it came. I've been hardcore on a health kick lately, like seriously though. I'm sick of making excuses for myself and I'm sick of settling. In all aspects of my life. :)

In other news

RENT opened this weekend. It did really well actually. We got an extension for another weekend. Go us. I mean, I have a lot of opinions about the show and what is currently going on and what SHOULD be going on, but I'm proud of my cast and I think a lot of people are going to enjoy the show. It's definitely not Broadway, but I think Jonathan Larson can rest assured that we have honored his work. So if you wanna come check it out, performances are at Las Positas College every weekend of April. Obviously, Friday and Saturday nights at 8, Sunday afternoons at 2pm And that's all for now folks. ;)

This is how my heart behaves.

"My heartbeat beats me senselessly. Why's everything gotta be so intense with me?"

Sometimes I feel like a 16 year old girl. I go through this range of emotions in very small increments of time, from one extreme end of the spectrum to the other and everything in between. In other words, I overanalyze everything. And I love the beginning stages of relationships because of that. That scary, unpredictable feeling that hits your stomach as your mind tries to figure out the meaning behind someone else's actions. It makes me feel alive. I'm to the point that I know what I want and what I look for in someone. And when I meet someone who possesses said qualities, I can't help but get excited, especially when said person shows an interest in me. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a smitten kitten. I don't think there's anything wrong with allowing someone to run through your mind all day. But society sets limits and gives us rules. Society tells us to wait three days before you call, to not callback right away, to come up with strategies, and to play tons of games. I don't see anything wrong with letting someone know that you like them. I don't see anything wrong with telling someone you would love to grow close to them, to be someone they depend on, to be something important to them. People love to hear that kind of stuff, right? And if someone is ready and willing to be there for me, why would that be scary? Why are we so worried about seeming desperate? Why do we go against our natural instincts and force ourselves to conservatively, politely, and passionlessly date?

I'm ready to know love again.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

2010 is here, and I'm ready to face it head on. Although I do love my life and the person I am, I'm ready for new experiences and adventures. I'm ready for all the life-changing events that will be happening this year. But, I'm most ready for new relationships. I want...no, I NEED, just one relationship to be easy. And when I say easy, I don't mean easy. I mean, I need to meet someone who isn't an idiot, who isn't "unsure" of what he wants, who doesn't "need to get his priorities in order." I don't want to have to play all those games. i always think that my standards are too high, that if I had reasonable expectations, I wouldn't be single. But, in all actuality, I don't ask for much. I just want to be treated the way I should be treated. I want to be more than your good time. I want to meet someone who is willing to give it a try, who is willing to take a chance, who is willing to love like he's never felt heartbreak. I am so optimistic about love. Despite EVERYTHING. So, why is it so hard to meet someone who has the same attitude? Who is just WILLING. This year, I just need someone willing.

I have said recently I don't want to date until I transfer schools. It's not that I don't want to date, I just want to let it be. I want to let whatever will happen happen. What I mean is, I don't want to worry about dating. I don't want to frivolously worry about inconsequential boys. I don't want to deal with all the drama of boys who don't know how to deal. And maybe part of that is my fault, I need to learn how to filter out the bad ones. But until I have that gift, I don't want to go out of my way looking for love. That's how they get us. It's like the lion preying on the vulnerable. Sometimes I feel that my optimism about love is really masking my naivety. But that's not true either. I have learned a lot about relationships in the past, say, 5 years. I know I'm an amazing partner. I know I can make someone really happy. I just need someone to be willing. Someone who wants to see what happens, who doesn't just wanna hook up when it's convenient for them, who will really put in the effort. It's not like I need a husband. I just need someone who knows how to not be a douche.

It's gonna be a happy new year.

Here it is. You guys knew it was coming. The end of the year entry.

This year has been a lonely year for me. As much as I've looked past it and reveled in the amazing experiences I've had, this is the first full year I haven't had any sort of relationship. Sure, I've had crushes and dates and "situations," but nothing more. I've had no real potentials, no one to really focus my energy on. I've had no idea what to do with myself, so my focus turned inward. I'm so grateful that it did, because I really think I needed it. School became a bigger priority and I've had amazing theatre experiences. However, working on myself doesn't help my loneliness. Even with my friends, I don't feel like I have one person that is my right-hand friend that will never stray. And maybe that's my fault and maybe that's not. But I have so much to give, and I have spent so much time going over and over in my head the right things to do for someone you love. And yet, it's all still here, in my head.

I admit that I get bored very easily, and my mind wanders. I want to do everything, I want to be friends with everyone, I want a little taste of it all. And in love, a lot of the times I do think that I'm too picky. But then reality kicks back in and I remind myself that it's not too much to ask. The kind of guy I want is not unreasonable. The things I ask for in a relationship and/or friendship are not obnoxious. I've done a LOT in the search for love. I've given up a lot in the hopes of finding someone worth it all. And I've been disappointed over and over. And, I mean, I've come to terms with that. I'm DEFINITELY not one to hold grudges, in any way, shape or form. I just feel like a lot of the people in my life DO hold grudges. I feel like a lot of the people I've encountered just can't let things go. And so I don't know how to handle that because I'm not like that. I mean, I'm not unhappy with my life in any way, don't get me wrong. I just...I need to change my outlook.

I just closed A Christmas Carol and I met about 12 high school seniors who reminded me of the fun in life. They reminded me of myself as a senior. They're just about to begin their lives, they're living life day to day and enjoying every single second, with excitement and hope in their eyes, with optimism and faith in their hearts. I want to experience life like that again. I want to continue making myself happy and not worry so much about other people's opinions of me or keeping other people happy. I spend so much of my time making other people happy. And not that it makes me unhappy, but I assume that if I do that, they'll love me no matter what, or accept me as I am, or show me that they'll always be there for me. And I've learned that isn't always true. I always need that comfort of knowing other people accept me. And I wish I didn't, but that's just who I am. So, where does that leave me? Well, I'll tell you.

Every year I tell myself that in the following year I won't be so worried about boys. But this year I'm going to change that. I'm going to continue focusing on myself. In 2010, I am going to be myself, totally and completely. I'm not going to make excuses and I'm not going to disappoint myself. I'm going to accept myself for who I am.

Let's do it, let's fall in love.

I should be finishing my Syracuse application right now, but once again, SoulPancake has gotten the best of me. One recent entry bears the question: "Are missed connections coincidences or fate?" We've all seen the missed connections section of Craigslist or Downelink. Some of us may have even posted on them. And though many would hate to admit it, we've all had missed connections. So what are they? 


You're in line at Starbucks, the guy behind you is talking to his friend about things you totally agree with, seems like you two would totally get along. While waiting for your drinks, you two exchange nervous glances and smiles as you frivolously pretend you're text messaging. Your drinks are ready, you reach for them at the same time, he hands you a sleeve. Eye contact. Electricity. Heat. And then you walk your separate ways. Is this the universe's way of literally putting something into your lap? Or just a way of reminding you there is still hope out there? Is it serendipity or did it just so happen you two were there at the same time? Would he have had the same experience with someone else in your exact spot?


I've definitely had my share of missed connections. And some of them I've thought about for even days after. But, when it comes down to it, I don't think it's healthy to worry about missed connections. We already have so much to deal with, that concerning ourselves with could have beens and what ifs is suicide. If you don't like having unanswered questions, then ensure that your life won't encounter missed connections; if you find yourself in a situation like this, GO FOR IT! So much easier said than done, I know. I see missed connections as a fun game life plays. It boosts confidence, it's a nice highlight of any day. But if it was fate, it wouldn't be a missed connection, do you know what I mean? If you're feeling lucky and want to make it more than a missed connection, chances are your instincts are right and fate is playing a role. I don't know, just me. =D