It's all coming back to me now.

I guess it's time for this post. 2010 was such a life changing year for me. Literally. Not one thing is the same as it was last christmas. And I hate it. I hate that I don't feel at home anywhere. My childhood house feels like nothing. I don't even remember what it used to be. I don't feel anything. The apartment in Carlsbad is nothing to me. It's a bunch of scattered memories in a unfamiliar and unwelcome place. Nothing is right, it doesn't feel like I'm home. I would kill to have my family back. I would kill to have my life back.

Does it ever get easier? I was watching a movie trailer today about parents who lost their son and the mother asked that question. Her friend's response was, "No, but it becomes bearable." I guess that's true to some extent. But bearable doesn't mean everything's okay. It doesn't mean that I'm okay not being able to call my mother every day. It doesn't mean that I am strong enough to delete her number from my phone, because I'm not.

Sometimes I don't want to be an adult. I want to hug my mom. I want to complain and bitch out and throw a fit. And now every thought of her is just a flash memory or a quick glimpse at what it would be like if she were still here. If she'd seen me go off to school. If she'd seen me in Aladdin. If she knew all the things I was doing in Santa Cruz. If every time I came to Carlsbad I had something more than an empty apartment 10 hours a day. I just feel so disconnected when I'm here.

Christmas was always her favorite time of year. I can see her now, waking up on Christmas morning, usually at around 930, which made me so angry, considering I'd been up since 6. She'd have to go into the kitchen and make her cup of coffee and a bagel with cream cheese, or do something obnoxious to make my brother and I wait even longer for the gifts we knew were awaiting. And then my parents would come and sit down, my dad on the floor by the tree, so he could distribute the presents. And mom would act surprised by the gifts she bought for herself that she said was from my brother and I. I can just see her now playing her Wii, watching her Judge Judy or Judge Hatchet or Dr. Phil. Calling me into her room to watch some obnoxious case and asking who I thought was right, or on primetime tv, if Kelly Clarkson or Beyonce was performing, she'd scream until I came running in to watch with her. I miss her text messages. I miss her ridiculous voicemails. I miss her screaming and laughing at the television. I miss her romance novels. I miss her cooking. I miss her smile. I wish she could have seen me turn 21. I wish I could have had a margarita with her when I visited in August as my first official drink with my parents; I know she would have made a huge deal about it.

I guess there's nothing really to do but move forward right? Here's to 2011. Let's see what it has in store.

Preach.

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone, no I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
Got a right to be wrong
Gotta sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back, I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
What ever's out there waiting for me
I'm gonna face it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone, no I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
Got a right to be wrong
Gotta sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're my brown eyed girl.

Tattoo number three. I got it on July 5th, 2010, what would have been my mother's 60th birthday. The story is about a young boy, innocent and naive, yet to experience the world; and unable, or unwilling, to allow himself to mature and grow up. The letter in the boy's hand is in a very animated font - it reminds me of Sesame Street, or some other show from childhood - and it represents my mother. O is for her name, Odeter, and red because it is the color that reminds me of her the most. Her fiery personality along with her unending compassion and zest for life are encompassed by the small, colorful letter. Just like her, it is petite, but packs a punch. My best memories of my mother are from my youth, when she was fully healthy and capable of doing more active things. And the piece reminds me of that childhood relationship every one has with their parents, before we grow up and become too cool to talk to our parents. Before we grow up and become independent from our parents. It's about holding on to that time, keeping it close to your heart, and never forgetting it.


Even though I know you would have HATED this, I got this for you, Mama. I miss you every day.

I love to singa.

Today, I looked through all my tagged photos on Facebook. I just said and remembered everything. I remembered Tommy. I remembered my friendship with Gary. I remembered drunken nights at the Crib, and early mornings at Starbucks. I remembered party after party after party at ParkMerced. I remembered all the SF State kids. I remembered the shopping trips to Urban and H&M. I remembered driving to Santa Cruz, or San Francisco, or Alameda, or San Jose, or San Mateo, or LOS ANGELES. I just remembered being young and crazy and having fun at all times. I haven't thought about that in a while. I've been stuck in this funk of working and going to class and going to rehearsal, and having fun, but not being uninhibited, not really just letting loose. And I think it's because I used to be surrounded by a group of people that I could be myself around. As painstakingly fake and materialistic and shallow the gay community is, when I used to hang out with the SF State kids, it wasn't about all that. Well, it was a little bit, but they understood me. I had a gay group. And I don't have a gay group anymore. I don't even really have a group anymore. I have my close friends. I guess I shouldn't be complaining, there was a LOT of drama that went down when I was hanging out with the gays. But I do miss it. I mean, I'm sure I'll have it all back the second I turn 21, but I guess I'm just in SUCH a transitional phase right now, I don't know what to do with myself. My parents are moving, I've moved out, and am about to move again in a few months, I'm about to be at a real school, I'm about to be 21, I'm about to be TRULY on my own. So many things are changing at the same time, and I guess I just don't have something stable to rely on like a group of gay boys to get drunk with every weekend. I know, my sarcasm is impeccable. I'm not really sure the point of this. I guess I'm just writing to say that I miss having fun ALL the time. And I know I'm growing up and it's not always gonna be fun, and I'm okay with that. Just weird to think about those times. I've had some good times in my life, and I'm not even 21 yet. 

Right now, I don't know if I should look ahead to the future, or remember the past, but there's nothing really going on in the present, and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I just want to have fun. And I have a feeling this summer has a lot of fun in store for me. We just gotta get to summer first. 5 weeks. G'night world.

Grey gardens.

Hey, at least I got one post up in February. I guess I just haven't really been inspired lately. My life has returned to its most comfortable place: a whirlwind of work, school, rehearsal, and no time in between for anything else. RENT is coming along, although it's been a bumpy road, to say the least. I just want to open. And, as much as I hate to say this, I want the show to be over. I absolutely think it's possible to over-rehearse, and we've been working the show since January. I'm just ready to perform. Work is usual, but I've got a new found love for it. It's a constant kind of thing, I always know what to expect when I go to work. I guess my eyes have really been opened to how hard this depression has been on everyone around me, and being in RENT, with its poverty-stricken characters, I've come to appreciate the fact that I even have a job. Today, I worked 3 extra hours at another store because they needed coverage. A year ago, hell 2 months ago, I would have said "Sorry!" I'm just glad I have a way to pay the bills. Speaking of bills, I signed my first lease yesterday. I'm moving out on March 13th. I know, right? Scary. My parents are moving to San Diego because my dad got a new job. Typing about this is a LOT easier than talking about it, because every time I talk about it, I burst into tears. I knew this year was gonna be big for me. I'm turning 21, I'll be done with Ohlone, I'm really beginning my life. But, all of this is so soon. And it's all at the same time. I won't have my parents here to run back to when times get hard. I won't have that comfort of being back in my childhood home. My parents, the familiarity of my own street, knowing the back roads of my city, my entire childhood will be gone come May. And it's really sad to think about. I guess everyone gets pushed out of the bird's nest to see if they can fly. And now's the time. It's really time to grow up.

A quick note before bed.

It's officially December. Wow this year has flown by fast. It feels like just yesterday I was in LA with Gary Haddock and I totaled my car. God that was so long ago. Think about how much has changed since then. I feel like a totally different person. I'm so much happier now. I'm so much happier with the people I have in my life and the decisions I've made for myself. And I know this is trite, but I'm so excited for what's to come. 


In one month it will be 2010. It will be a new year. A new beginning. I cannot wait. Happy December kids. Let's make the last month of 2009 a good one. =D