One week.

When you first arrive in a new city, nothing makes sense. Everything is unknown, virgin... After you've lived there, walked those streets, you'll know them inside out. You'll know those people. Once you've lived there, crossed that street 10, 20, 1000 times... it'll belong to you because you've lived there. This is about to happen to me. And I cannot wait.

Seven days until I move to Santa Cruz. Those seven days are going to speed past me. I'm in San Diego until Friday, when I'll fly back to the Bay and drive straight up to the house for the tour. This weekend will be full of stress and hard work, but it will pay off. And then, I have two days to get everything situated before I move in on Wednesday. I'm sure you all know by now how excited I am to go, but I can't help saying it again. I feel free. I feel liberated. It's a beautiful feeling, one I've never really experienced before. Of course it's going to be weird not being in the Bay - the place that I've spent the last 21 years of my life. I know the Bay Area like the back of my hand. But, my family is basically gone from there, and the friends I have there are too close to me to lose because of distance. So, really, I have nothing keeping me there. Nothing. Not work, not a love interest, not any sort of opportunities. Nothing. Why SHOULDN'T I be excited to leave? Why should I WANT to stay somewhere because it's convenient or familiar. I guess I'm just excited to be finally getting out. When my mom died, I beat myself up a lot because I felt like I had gotten nowhere for her to be proud of. Sure, I was a supervisor at Starbucks at 19 years old; sure, I was doing 15 units a semester, plus 32 hours at work, plus doing shows on the side. But, I had nothing to show for it really. I would run into people I went to high school with, and it was like, "Yup, I still live at home, I still work at Starbucks, I still go to Ohlone." And I guess that has more to do with me worrying about what other people think about me than anything else, but, growing up in a town like San Leandro, where it's "hard" to get out and succeed, I didn't want to be another statistic. So, doing this is my ticket out. I don't ever had to come back if I don't want to. The Bay Area is such a bubble. We think the rest of the world is like that, or should be like that, but it isn't, and no one says it has to be. And although I'm not going THAT far from the Bay, I cannot wait to learn a new place, and meet new people, and experience new things.

Preach.

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone, no I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
Got a right to be wrong
Gotta sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back, I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
What ever's out there waiting for me
I'm gonna face it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone, no I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
Got a right to be wrong
Gotta sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

The world is a carousel of color.

I've spent the last few weeks getting rid of almost everything I own. Selling furniture I loved and bought to feel like an adult in a real apartment even though I was still living at home, clothes I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on, DVD's, books, throwing away things I kept for false sentimental reasons. There's something liberating about not having any of the material things I used to think defined me. I just think I've grown so much from the way I was when I bought those things. When I still living at home, when the Crib was the most important thing to me, when everything that stressed me out was trivial. I FEEL like a different person.

I'm leaving the apartment on Monday. 6 days left here, and then it's a bunch of crazy traveling until I settle in Santa Cruz on the 15th. It can't come fast enough. I am so excited to be on my own, truly. I am so excited to meet new people, and to grow and define myself on my own terms. Getting rid of everything is part of being able to let go of this part of my life. Of course I'm sad to leave what I know, what is so familiar to me. But, it's also really thrilling. More thrilling than anything else I may be feeling. I want to meet people who don't know me. I want to be able to go downtown and not see 13 people I either went to high school with or spent the last 3 years getting drunk and running around the city with. The bay area has given me everything it can give to me right now, along with all the people I've encountered here; I've learned everything I can from them.

2010 has been a huge year for me. And I'm so glad I've matured in the ways I have, and I'm so glad I've grown in the ways I have. And I cannot wait to mature and grow some more. To experience more. And to really find myself in Santa Cruz. I complained a lot about community college for a long time, but I think it's important to have this kind of feeling before leaving home and having the college experience. I'm ready to leave. And I want to leave. And that's something I didn't have in 2007. This summer has been one to remember, definitely, and I cannot wait for the rest of the memories 2010 brings to me. Here's to the future!

Cuz nothing's going right, and everything's a mess, and no one likes to be alone.

Death. Morbid subject, right? But, I feel like this year has been invaded by death. It's weird because I've never ever had to deal with death before. My mother passing last month was the first time in my entire life someone I've known has died. However, I can list on two hands the number of people I've known that have died this year. 98% of them being under the age of 25, far too young. Because I've never had to deal with situations like these, I don't know HOW to deal with situations like these. I don't know what you're supposed to expect from people when someone you love has died, and I don't know what you're supposed to say to people who have lost someone. "Everyone deals with death differently." That's what everyone keeps telling me. It breaks my heart to know how many people are hurting without their loved ones.

You're my brown eyed girl.

Tattoo number three. I got it on July 5th, 2010, what would have been my mother's 60th birthday. The story is about a young boy, innocent and naive, yet to experience the world; and unable, or unwilling, to allow himself to mature and grow up. The letter in the boy's hand is in a very animated font - it reminds me of Sesame Street, or some other show from childhood - and it represents my mother. O is for her name, Odeter, and red because it is the color that reminds me of her the most. Her fiery personality along with her unending compassion and zest for life are encompassed by the small, colorful letter. Just like her, it is petite, but packs a punch. My best memories of my mother are from my youth, when she was fully healthy and capable of doing more active things. And the piece reminds me of that childhood relationship every one has with their parents, before we grow up and become too cool to talk to our parents. Before we grow up and become independent from our parents. It's about holding on to that time, keeping it close to your heart, and never forgetting it.


Even though I know you would have HATED this, I got this for you, Mama. I miss you every day.

Brainwashing at an early age.

Don't ever forget:

The sun is always rising in the sky somewhere.