So tender.

I should tell you, I should tell you...

RENT closes tomorrow. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but I'm here to say that I will miss it. For the past four months, hell, five months, my entire existence has revolved around this show. I've spent hundreds of dollars, logged in the hours, woken up drenched in sweat from nightmares about everything falling to pieces. Welcome to the dramatic life of an actor. But this is the role of a lifetime, the chance of a lifetime, and I wanted to ensure it would be done right. I wanted to do everything in my power to make it a memorable piece of art. Perhaps that's my fault? Perhaps I stressed myself out. Either way, after last night's performance, I can honestly say I'm proud of this company. We have come SO far from the first rehearsal, and I have grown so much. It's always strange to look at something in retrospective and realize how much it has affected you, especially something you complain about 25/7. But this was a learning experience, and I definitely learned a lot. Thank you Ken Ross for casting me in such an iconic role. Thank you for being the crazy buffoon you are and frustrating me beyond belief, therefore making me realize my role in the entire process. Thank you Wesley Morgan for trusting me with my own costumes, allowing me to express myself through my fashion, in a way only Angel Dumott Schunard would have appreciated. Thank you Diana Cefalo for giving me the voice of an Angel. And thank you to my cast, for living and loving and sharing yourselves.

Loverly.

I love to singa.

Today, I looked through all my tagged photos on Facebook. I just said and remembered everything. I remembered Tommy. I remembered my friendship with Gary. I remembered drunken nights at the Crib, and early mornings at Starbucks. I remembered party after party after party at ParkMerced. I remembered all the SF State kids. I remembered the shopping trips to Urban and H&M. I remembered driving to Santa Cruz, or San Francisco, or Alameda, or San Jose, or San Mateo, or LOS ANGELES. I just remembered being young and crazy and having fun at all times. I haven't thought about that in a while. I've been stuck in this funk of working and going to class and going to rehearsal, and having fun, but not being uninhibited, not really just letting loose. And I think it's because I used to be surrounded by a group of people that I could be myself around. As painstakingly fake and materialistic and shallow the gay community is, when I used to hang out with the SF State kids, it wasn't about all that. Well, it was a little bit, but they understood me. I had a gay group. And I don't have a gay group anymore. I don't even really have a group anymore. I have my close friends. I guess I shouldn't be complaining, there was a LOT of drama that went down when I was hanging out with the gays. But I do miss it. I mean, I'm sure I'll have it all back the second I turn 21, but I guess I'm just in SUCH a transitional phase right now, I don't know what to do with myself. My parents are moving, I've moved out, and am about to move again in a few months, I'm about to be at a real school, I'm about to be 21, I'm about to be TRULY on my own. So many things are changing at the same time, and I guess I just don't have something stable to rely on like a group of gay boys to get drunk with every weekend. I know, my sarcasm is impeccable. I'm not really sure the point of this. I guess I'm just writing to say that I miss having fun ALL the time. And I know I'm growing up and it's not always gonna be fun, and I'm okay with that. Just weird to think about those times. I've had some good times in my life, and I'm not even 21 yet. 

Right now, I don't know if I should look ahead to the future, or remember the past, but there's nothing really going on in the present, and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I just want to have fun. And I have a feeling this summer has a lot of fun in store for me. We just gotta get to summer first. 5 weeks. G'night world.

Get ready for the showdown.

Wow, let's see. School is school. I'm 89% sure I'm heading to Irvine in the fall, which is exciting and scary and insane and amazing. It actually really scares me, but I just need to get out of here. I'm done with the Bay Area. I'm officially moved in with Karsyn, and things are going well on that front. It feels really good to be able to be so independent. You're never really prepared for it, you just have to do it, I suppose. I'm transferring to a store out in Dublin, so my life is officially here in the valley. I miss my parents a lot, but I know they're doing well. It's going to be really weird when they're all settled in Oceanside. The weird thing about all the changes in my life, is that I can FEEL myself growing up. Like, I can pinpoint specific thoughts that go through my head and say, "I didn't used to think like this. I didn't used to care about things like this." Super strange. I guess the biggest news is that Jesse and I broke up. I know I talked all that shit about how I wanted to be in a relationship and I wanted someone and I was sick of being lonely, but Jesse was too much of all of that. We dated for a total of two and a half months, and VERY early on, I felt like I was married. He was trying to force himself into myself, and me into his. I mean, we both made mistakes and I'm certainly in no position to point fingers, but the point of all of this is that I've realized how important it is to NOT jump into relationships. It's vital to get to know someone before decided to date them seriously. And I know I'm guilty of getting excited about a boy and getting sucked into the idea and not seeing reality. Epiphanies come at different times to different people, and this one came late to me, but at least it came. I've been hardcore on a health kick lately, like seriously though. I'm sick of making excuses for myself and I'm sick of settling. In all aspects of my life. :)

In other news

RENT opened this weekend. It did really well actually. We got an extension for another weekend. Go us. I mean, I have a lot of opinions about the show and what is currently going on and what SHOULD be going on, but I'm proud of my cast and I think a lot of people are going to enjoy the show. It's definitely not Broadway, but I think Jonathan Larson can rest assured that we have honored his work. So if you wanna come check it out, performances are at Las Positas College every weekend of April. Obviously, Friday and Saturday nights at 8, Sunday afternoons at 2pm And that's all for now folks. ;)