How cute.

It's gonna be a happy new year.

Here it is. You guys knew it was coming. The end of the year entry.

This year has been a lonely year for me. As much as I've looked past it and reveled in the amazing experiences I've had, this is the first full year I haven't had any sort of relationship. Sure, I've had crushes and dates and "situations," but nothing more. I've had no real potentials, no one to really focus my energy on. I've had no idea what to do with myself, so my focus turned inward. I'm so grateful that it did, because I really think I needed it. School became a bigger priority and I've had amazing theatre experiences. However, working on myself doesn't help my loneliness. Even with my friends, I don't feel like I have one person that is my right-hand friend that will never stray. And maybe that's my fault and maybe that's not. But I have so much to give, and I have spent so much time going over and over in my head the right things to do for someone you love. And yet, it's all still here, in my head.

I admit that I get bored very easily, and my mind wanders. I want to do everything, I want to be friends with everyone, I want a little taste of it all. And in love, a lot of the times I do think that I'm too picky. But then reality kicks back in and I remind myself that it's not too much to ask. The kind of guy I want is not unreasonable. The things I ask for in a relationship and/or friendship are not obnoxious. I've done a LOT in the search for love. I've given up a lot in the hopes of finding someone worth it all. And I've been disappointed over and over. And, I mean, I've come to terms with that. I'm DEFINITELY not one to hold grudges, in any way, shape or form. I just feel like a lot of the people in my life DO hold grudges. I feel like a lot of the people I've encountered just can't let things go. And so I don't know how to handle that because I'm not like that. I mean, I'm not unhappy with my life in any way, don't get me wrong. I just...I need to change my outlook.

I just closed A Christmas Carol and I met about 12 high school seniors who reminded me of the fun in life. They reminded me of myself as a senior. They're just about to begin their lives, they're living life day to day and enjoying every single second, with excitement and hope in their eyes, with optimism and faith in their hearts. I want to experience life like that again. I want to continue making myself happy and not worry so much about other people's opinions of me or keeping other people happy. I spend so much of my time making other people happy. And not that it makes me unhappy, but I assume that if I do that, they'll love me no matter what, or accept me as I am, or show me that they'll always be there for me. And I've learned that isn't always true. I always need that comfort of knowing other people accept me. And I wish I didn't, but that's just who I am. So, where does that leave me? Well, I'll tell you.

Every year I tell myself that in the following year I won't be so worried about boys. But this year I'm going to change that. I'm going to continue focusing on myself. In 2010, I am going to be myself, totally and completely. I'm not going to make excuses and I'm not going to disappoint myself. I'm going to accept myself for who I am.

AH. MAZING.

New York FAIL.

In light of all the recent drama in New York, I say it's time for us to buckle down and DEMAND what is ours. How many candlelit vigils must we have before someone realizes it's going to take more than that to reach justice? I'm putting my armor on and getting ready for war.

Let's do it, let's fall in love.

I should be finishing my Syracuse application right now, but once again, SoulPancake has gotten the best of me. One recent entry bears the question: "Are missed connections coincidences or fate?" We've all seen the missed connections section of Craigslist or Downelink. Some of us may have even posted on them. And though many would hate to admit it, we've all had missed connections. So what are they? 


You're in line at Starbucks, the guy behind you is talking to his friend about things you totally agree with, seems like you two would totally get along. While waiting for your drinks, you two exchange nervous glances and smiles as you frivolously pretend you're text messaging. Your drinks are ready, you reach for them at the same time, he hands you a sleeve. Eye contact. Electricity. Heat. And then you walk your separate ways. Is this the universe's way of literally putting something into your lap? Or just a way of reminding you there is still hope out there? Is it serendipity or did it just so happen you two were there at the same time? Would he have had the same experience with someone else in your exact spot?


I've definitely had my share of missed connections. And some of them I've thought about for even days after. But, when it comes down to it, I don't think it's healthy to worry about missed connections. We already have so much to deal with, that concerning ourselves with could have beens and what ifs is suicide. If you don't like having unanswered questions, then ensure that your life won't encounter missed connections; if you find yourself in a situation like this, GO FOR IT! So much easier said than done, I know. I see missed connections as a fun game life plays. It boosts confidence, it's a nice highlight of any day. But if it was fate, it wouldn't be a missed connection, do you know what I mean? If you're feeling lucky and want to make it more than a missed connection, chances are your instincts are right and fate is playing a role. I don't know, just me. =D

Auditions/Quick update.

I've got a LOT of stuff coming up. The You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown audition is tomorrow. I'm excited, but it's definitely my second choice show. I need to do RENT. NEEEEEED to. Las Positas College is doing it for their spring musical, and I'm auditioning for it in a week and a half. And I cannot WAIT. On top of it being RENT, I'll get 7 units that I can use for school, which is always nice. It sucks that these two shows are running at the same time, cuz I want to do them both! I feel like no one EVER does productions of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, so this might be my only chance in a longgggg time to do it. But, I mean, it's RENT. =D My audition for Syracuse University is scheduled for January 30th, in New York, which will be super exciting. And finally, my New York University audition is on February 16th, in San Francisco. The closer I get to these auditions and app deadlines, the closer I get to being accepted somewhere and transferring. I can't believe it's so close! =D

In other news.

Things are overall going really well. Work and school and rehearsals for both shows. Keeping busy and out of trouble. The Christmas spirit has taken me over. I love this time of year. I went through my closet and got rid of a LOT of clothes I never wear. I've also begun my diet and workout plan. But like, for real this time. So far, this week has been great. Happy Hump Day guys.

A quick note before bed.

It's officially December. Wow this year has flown by fast. It feels like just yesterday I was in LA with Gary Haddock and I totaled my car. God that was so long ago. Think about how much has changed since then. I feel like a totally different person. I'm so much happier now. I'm so much happier with the people I have in my life and the decisions I've made for myself. And I know this is trite, but I'm so excited for what's to come. 


In one month it will be 2010. It will be a new year. A new beginning. I cannot wait. Happy December kids. Let's make the last month of 2009 a good one. =D

HELP STOP THE H8. Any way you can.

Confessions of an underage drinker.

Everyone looks forward to being 21 years old. I mean, for a while we can't wait to be 18. Cigarettes. Porn. But what we're really looking forward to is clubs. It doesn't take long before 18 and over clubs just don't cut it anymore. For me, it took almost 2 years. I sucked everything I could out of 18 and over clubs. Even after it stopped being fun, I kept going, hoping the night would turn out to be worth it. It never was. And as my 21st birthday approaches, all I can think about it is going to bars and lounges and 21 and over events and venues. And it's not even so much just because I want to legally get drunk. Being able to drink is certainly part of it, but being able to socialize with a new crowd, with a whole new genre of people, so to speak, is so exhilarating for me. After work tonight, I sat outside my store with one of my customers, one of my co-workers, and my co-workers potential love interest. And we just had an amazingly interesting fun conversation. They all invited me out with them to some bars on Castro. I, of course, declined, but the more I think about it, the more ridiculous it becomes that entire establishments are closed off to people 21 years of age and younger. I mean, jazz clubs, some hotel rooms, and there's even a long-running musical in San Francisco that only allows people 21 and younger on Sunday matinees. I know this is only coming from me right now because I am 20, and the second I turn 21 I will disagree with what I'm about to say, but there shouldn't necessarily be an age limit to go into a bar. Or rather, the age limit should allow people younger than 21 to enter. Maybe not even super younger, even if it was 20, I would be fine (and no, that's not just because I'm currently 20). I guess I just don't see the logic in closing off an entire establishment to people who aren't 21. That's a lie, I totally see the logic. It's because the only reason you go to bars is to drink. Haha. I'm just frustrated. And I hate people that complain about being young, because you're only young once and I wish I could go back an be 17 again. But it really does suck being 20. So, my confession for the night, although I'm sure it's not much of a surprise, is...I wish I were 21.

New Beginnings/Academia

I'm switching to Blogger after 5 long years with Livejournal. It's quite sad, but I refuse to forget my first blog as it has been with me through a lot. With my life changing in so many ways, it's time to start fresh. Here's to our time together.

This Thanksgiving break seemed to be a long one and I'm not too sure why. It feels like the last time I was at school was weeks ago, though every weekend is just as long as this one was. School is making me really happy. I'm doing well in all my classes, and doing well on assignments I thought I bombed. Isn't that always how it goes? I have so much to look forward to concerning school. Spring classes begin February 1st and I'm already registered for all the classes that I need. I have school auditions coming up QUICK and I'm starting to prepare for those. The coming months are vital in the rest of my academic career and my anticipation is getting the best of me.

School has always been a really stressful subject for me. Being the perfectionist and the overachiever that I admittedly am, I cannot stand the thought of failure. And although sometimes my laziness and my ambition don't work too well together, education is important to me, and I want to make myself and my parents proud of the work that I do. Going to community college straight out of high school was a sort of wake up call for me that I needed to begin preparing myself for a university; I needed to do the job that San Leandro High School didn't do. Over the past three years, I think I have prepared myself for a university, all the while working insane hours and finding my true passions. I may not have gotten the dorm experience or the dining hall experience or the camaraderie of new young adults living on their own in an entirely foreign place. But I know what I want out of life. That's what I got from Ohlone College. And THAT kind of knowledge is invaluable.

So as I plug on with my applications and my auditions and my recommendations and my transcripts and test scores, all I can think of is my first day at Ohlone College. I feel like a senior in high school right now, writing a graduation speech. But who would have known on that first day back in 2007 that Ohlone College would have been such a big stepping stone for me? And that in the end, I would appreciate my time there, no matter how much I complained along the way. I look forward to what's in store.