Enjoy

Truth.

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
— Dr. Seuss

Hi. I'm dying.

Obsessed.

Would you hold it against me?

There's a ton running through my mind at 4:15am on a Saturday morning. I'm thinking about youth, I'm thinking about life, I'm thinking about relationships, about love, about hate, about friendships, about the way we all interact with one another. College has blind-sighted me with a lot of experiences I never thought I'd have to deal with. And, I like to play this big shot game where I think I know everything. It's my favorite game. I play it every single day of my life. But the truth is, I'm just as scared and immature and unprepared as everyone else. And I don't know if this game I play makes me a genius or an imbecile.

The more I actually think about being in a relationship, the more irritated I get at the very idea.  Maybe it makes me selfish that I want a boy who will put up with whatever the fuck it is that I do, or complain about, or talk shit on. And maybe it makes me picky that I want a guy who will be able to get along and enjoy the company of all the different kinds of friends I have. Maybe it makes me naive to want someone who will be my other half, who will not take away from my personality, but will add to it. We have all of these obscure dating websites and events and rituals that are supposed to make it easier for us to meet people. And no doubt, they have helped me meet new people. But, does quantity trump quality? I'm done trying to figure out men. I'm done making excuses for the ones who don't know how to deal with situations. I don't want to be your relationship tutor.

I don't know why I always resort to talking about relationships. I guess it's still the same reason I've always talked about relationships. I have everything else I need in life. I just don't have anyone to share it with. And in all honesty, I'm 21 years old, I'm legitimately going to have the rest of my life to deal with men and their drama. Obviously I don't want to be lonely. But, I will not allow myself to date someone/get sucked into a situation just because I'm tired of being lonely. It's not worth it. And this didn't dawn on me suddenly in the middle of R.E.M. It wasn't like some guy dumped me and I finally saw the light. It's just been experience after experience after experience of people who aren't worth my time.













I just want someone who will be worth it.

I love my big.

"never in my life did I think I would be scrubbing dried alcoholic whipped cream out of my belly button." - Megan Reilly

Obsessed.

I miss dancing!

Can't even deal.

It's all coming back to me now.

I guess it's time for this post. 2010 was such a life changing year for me. Literally. Not one thing is the same as it was last christmas. And I hate it. I hate that I don't feel at home anywhere. My childhood house feels like nothing. I don't even remember what it used to be. I don't feel anything. The apartment in Carlsbad is nothing to me. It's a bunch of scattered memories in a unfamiliar and unwelcome place. Nothing is right, it doesn't feel like I'm home. I would kill to have my family back. I would kill to have my life back.

Does it ever get easier? I was watching a movie trailer today about parents who lost their son and the mother asked that question. Her friend's response was, "No, but it becomes bearable." I guess that's true to some extent. But bearable doesn't mean everything's okay. It doesn't mean that I'm okay not being able to call my mother every day. It doesn't mean that I am strong enough to delete her number from my phone, because I'm not.

Sometimes I don't want to be an adult. I want to hug my mom. I want to complain and bitch out and throw a fit. And now every thought of her is just a flash memory or a quick glimpse at what it would be like if she were still here. If she'd seen me go off to school. If she'd seen me in Aladdin. If she knew all the things I was doing in Santa Cruz. If every time I came to Carlsbad I had something more than an empty apartment 10 hours a day. I just feel so disconnected when I'm here.

Christmas was always her favorite time of year. I can see her now, waking up on Christmas morning, usually at around 930, which made me so angry, considering I'd been up since 6. She'd have to go into the kitchen and make her cup of coffee and a bagel with cream cheese, or do something obnoxious to make my brother and I wait even longer for the gifts we knew were awaiting. And then my parents would come and sit down, my dad on the floor by the tree, so he could distribute the presents. And mom would act surprised by the gifts she bought for herself that she said was from my brother and I. I can just see her now playing her Wii, watching her Judge Judy or Judge Hatchet or Dr. Phil. Calling me into her room to watch some obnoxious case and asking who I thought was right, or on primetime tv, if Kelly Clarkson or Beyonce was performing, she'd scream until I came running in to watch with her. I miss her text messages. I miss her ridiculous voicemails. I miss her screaming and laughing at the television. I miss her romance novels. I miss her cooking. I miss her smile. I wish she could have seen me turn 21. I wish I could have had a margarita with her when I visited in August as my first official drink with my parents; I know she would have made a huge deal about it.

I guess there's nothing really to do but move forward right? Here's to 2011. Let's see what it has in store.

Blast from the past.

I just logged into my old Yahoo! e-mail address from about 2006 until 2009 and found a whole mess of pictures I sent to myself for some reason? Check it out!

This time won't you save me?

Alright, so Thanksgiving was lovely. I am currently here in Carlsbad with my father and we had a wonderful feast last night with his brother and his brother's family. I got a moment to look back on this year and really reflect. It truly has been a crazy, crazy year. Almost every aspect of my life is different than it was in November 2009...But that's all coming in a later post. My initial inspiration for this post is something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. In premise, I would like to say that I have not posted a "relationship"post in a long time, and I am perfectly content with my life where it is. I love my school, I love my friends, I love my life. I cannot remember the last time I was truly sad. Well, I guess that would be sometime around the beginning of June, but either way, the point is I am very happy with my current situation.

Okay, so, in the past two months I have met more boyfriends and girlfriends and friends with benefits and best friends in love than I can count on two hands. I have seen more people find each other and like each other and fall for each other and cry about each other than I have ever seen in my life. I guess it's because we're all college kids, living the real college life now, right? I have seen people who have been together for 5 years and are still going strong, and people who drunkenly stumbled upon each other one night and really found a connection. Love is in the air all around me. And I refuse to be jaded enough to say that love does not exist in the gay community. I refuse to be naive enough to say the gays are too shallow to really be searching for a connection. Those used to be my excuses, my personal ways of explaining why I was so lonely. But everyone wants that intimacy and connection with someone, and that is what I am here to write about. I want a relationship, sure, but I don't want it overnight and I don't want it to be superficial. I want that feeling of someone staring at me endearingly as I get worked up, talking passionately about theater. And something like that takes time. My standards aren't unrealistic. I just won't allow myself to settle, so they feel unreachable. Boys used to stress me out, more than any of you actually know. I've gotten to a point where I realized there's nothing I can do but NOT stress out. If someone is going to love me, he is going to love me. And there is no reason I should be something or someone else for this person. It seems almost laughable doesn't it, that I would need to realize something like that? In any case, I think this is the first time in my life that I can actually say that I'm ready for a real relationship. And along with that readiness comes an extra sense of patience. Because I know the next relationship I am in will be a real one. Which is pretty liberating.

Everything is kind of a blur right now. The quarter system was interesting to adjust to at first, but it's been a good transition. But, I do not really have anything to look forward to. I can look forward to the coming quarters, and after that I can look forward to senior year, and after that I can look forward to graduation and getting a degree. But what's after that? Being here in Santa Cruz has sort of forced me to live in the now. To just enjoy the current state of whatever I'm doing. I am FOREVER living in the future, thinking of what's coming up next, anticipating doing or being a part of something that's ahead. But Santa Cruz has slowed down my racing mind and allowed me to see what's going on right in front of me. Kind of cliche, but nonetheless true. :)

In other news...

A new friend of mine has made it very clear she is an outgoing extrovert with the mouth of a sailor and the mind of a "man." She is continuously talking about how she wants to have sex, she misses getting rough with a man, she needs that feeling of a man's body on top of hers to really relax. However, I've come to learn it's just a front. And I think it's so interesting to watch the way she speaks and the manner in which she composes herself when we're with a group of people, and then to turn around and see the way she behaves with me and our other friend in one of our respective rooms. She is just one example of behavior that I see a LOT in our generation. Why? Why do we insist on giving ourselves these personas, why are we unhappy with the way we naturally are? And if we do want to change ourselves, why don't we simple change ourselves, why do we shield our actual personalities with these "super personas," just to still be the same person we're scared of showing other people underneath? And on top of that, aren't we just making it that much harder to find someone who will really love us? Are we expecting prospective lovers to accept us AND our personas? Are they like our shadows--it's a packaged deal, it's all or nothing? It seems to me that it takes more energy to be two people than it does to be one. And why do we need to put ourselves on one end of the spectrum or the other? I've found that these "personas" are typically radical, extreme, out of control, outspoken, loud, etc. and they're worn by people who are the opposite of those things. Why can't you be a quiet, meek person who sometimes gets crazy? Why can't you be an outgoing kid who sometimes keeps to yourself and has a night in? I'm definitely guilty of this too. Is it because of the people we surround ourselves with? Do our close friends and the traits of theirs that we envy make us feel inadequate?

Cleanup time.

Wow oh wow oh wow I don't even know where to begin. In eight days, I will have been in Santa Cruz for two months. It has been the most amazing experience here, and I cannot wait for the things that are about to happen to me. I feel like I'm at summer camp. I love the people here, I love the environment, I love the fact that on my walk to class every morning I can't count on two hands the number of deer I see. I love that no one has any preconceived notions about me, I love the liberating feeling of not worrying about what to wear to class because people here REALLY don't care. I love being embraced and uplifted because my skin is brown, and I'm homosexual, and I'm artistic. This place was exactly what I needed.

So, what have I been up to for the last month? I was cast in a show called Sissy in an organization called Rainbow Theater, which specializes in ethnically based plays and performances. It's basically a chance to get the voices and stories of each of these groups heard in ways they may not have been able to express in the past. I have so far had a pretty good experience meeting people and being a part of it. It obviously is not going to be anything upscale or superb, but it's really not about that, and I think that is something I really need to remember when I get frustrated with unorganized rehearsals or bad communication between the staff. What Rainbow is there for is to reach out a hand to underrepresented groups in theater and say, "Hey, you do matter. We want to hear your story." So, it feels really empowering to be a part of it because there are so many people involved in it that NEVER thought they would be part of an organization like this. The show opened last night to be totally and completely embraced by everyone in the audience. It felt so good to A) be performing again, and B) in a different kind of context. The playwright was actually in the audience and told us how proud he was of the production we put on. It felt really good to be a part of it.

In other news...

And I guess the most exciting news of all, I am currently pledging the "frarority" Delta Lambda Psi. Let me explain. In 2005, five UCSC students came back from the Western Regional GLBTQQIA Conference and wanted to increase the population and acknowledgment of the queer community on campus. They became the alpha class of Delta Lambda Psi, which began as a fraternity, but very quickly morphed into something else. They soon realized that gender is not a necessarily defining factor in someone's life, and that many people don't identify with their biological "genders" or even either gender at all. So they combined a fraternity and a sorority and DLP was born. I am really excited to be a part of this and have something to really care about and believe in. THIS is why I came UC, for experiences and opportunities like this. I can't imagine myself anywhere else right now. And although there are definitely nights when I'm sitting in my dorm room missing Carissa and Marcus and Karsyn sitting in the Amador Lakes living room eating pizza and drinking, I feel so glad and proud and privileged to be where I am today. And I promise I won't leave another two month gap in blog again. Ever. <3 :)

One week.

When you first arrive in a new city, nothing makes sense. Everything is unknown, virgin... After you've lived there, walked those streets, you'll know them inside out. You'll know those people. Once you've lived there, crossed that street 10, 20, 1000 times... it'll belong to you because you've lived there. This is about to happen to me. And I cannot wait.

Seven days until I move to Santa Cruz. Those seven days are going to speed past me. I'm in San Diego until Friday, when I'll fly back to the Bay and drive straight up to the house for the tour. This weekend will be full of stress and hard work, but it will pay off. And then, I have two days to get everything situated before I move in on Wednesday. I'm sure you all know by now how excited I am to go, but I can't help saying it again. I feel free. I feel liberated. It's a beautiful feeling, one I've never really experienced before. Of course it's going to be weird not being in the Bay - the place that I've spent the last 21 years of my life. I know the Bay Area like the back of my hand. But, my family is basically gone from there, and the friends I have there are too close to me to lose because of distance. So, really, I have nothing keeping me there. Nothing. Not work, not a love interest, not any sort of opportunities. Nothing. Why SHOULDN'T I be excited to leave? Why should I WANT to stay somewhere because it's convenient or familiar. I guess I'm just excited to be finally getting out. When my mom died, I beat myself up a lot because I felt like I had gotten nowhere for her to be proud of. Sure, I was a supervisor at Starbucks at 19 years old; sure, I was doing 15 units a semester, plus 32 hours at work, plus doing shows on the side. But, I had nothing to show for it really. I would run into people I went to high school with, and it was like, "Yup, I still live at home, I still work at Starbucks, I still go to Ohlone." And I guess that has more to do with me worrying about what other people think about me than anything else, but, growing up in a town like San Leandro, where it's "hard" to get out and succeed, I didn't want to be another statistic. So, doing this is my ticket out. I don't ever had to come back if I don't want to. The Bay Area is such a bubble. We think the rest of the world is like that, or should be like that, but it isn't, and no one says it has to be. And although I'm not going THAT far from the Bay, I cannot wait to learn a new place, and meet new people, and experience new things.

Preach.

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone, no I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
Got a right to be wrong
Gotta sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back, I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
What ever's out there waiting for me
I'm gonna face it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone, no I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
Got a right to be wrong
Gotta sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

The world is a carousel of color.

I've spent the last few weeks getting rid of almost everything I own. Selling furniture I loved and bought to feel like an adult in a real apartment even though I was still living at home, clothes I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on, DVD's, books, throwing away things I kept for false sentimental reasons. There's something liberating about not having any of the material things I used to think defined me. I just think I've grown so much from the way I was when I bought those things. When I still living at home, when the Crib was the most important thing to me, when everything that stressed me out was trivial. I FEEL like a different person.

I'm leaving the apartment on Monday. 6 days left here, and then it's a bunch of crazy traveling until I settle in Santa Cruz on the 15th. It can't come fast enough. I am so excited to be on my own, truly. I am so excited to meet new people, and to grow and define myself on my own terms. Getting rid of everything is part of being able to let go of this part of my life. Of course I'm sad to leave what I know, what is so familiar to me. But, it's also really thrilling. More thrilling than anything else I may be feeling. I want to meet people who don't know me. I want to be able to go downtown and not see 13 people I either went to high school with or spent the last 3 years getting drunk and running around the city with. The bay area has given me everything it can give to me right now, along with all the people I've encountered here; I've learned everything I can from them.

2010 has been a huge year for me. And I'm so glad I've matured in the ways I have, and I'm so glad I've grown in the ways I have. And I cannot wait to mature and grow some more. To experience more. And to really find myself in Santa Cruz. I complained a lot about community college for a long time, but I think it's important to have this kind of feeling before leaving home and having the college experience. I'm ready to leave. And I want to leave. And that's something I didn't have in 2007. This summer has been one to remember, definitely, and I cannot wait for the rest of the memories 2010 brings to me. Here's to the future!

Cuz nothing's going right, and everything's a mess, and no one likes to be alone.

Death. Morbid subject, right? But, I feel like this year has been invaded by death. It's weird because I've never ever had to deal with death before. My mother passing last month was the first time in my entire life someone I've known has died. However, I can list on two hands the number of people I've known that have died this year. 98% of them being under the age of 25, far too young. Because I've never had to deal with situations like these, I don't know HOW to deal with situations like these. I don't know what you're supposed to expect from people when someone you love has died, and I don't know what you're supposed to say to people who have lost someone. "Everyone deals with death differently." That's what everyone keeps telling me. It breaks my heart to know how many people are hurting without their loved ones.

You're my brown eyed girl.

Tattoo number three. I got it on July 5th, 2010, what would have been my mother's 60th birthday. The story is about a young boy, innocent and naive, yet to experience the world; and unable, or unwilling, to allow himself to mature and grow up. The letter in the boy's hand is in a very animated font - it reminds me of Sesame Street, or some other show from childhood - and it represents my mother. O is for her name, Odeter, and red because it is the color that reminds me of her the most. Her fiery personality along with her unending compassion and zest for life are encompassed by the small, colorful letter. Just like her, it is petite, but packs a punch. My best memories of my mother are from my youth, when she was fully healthy and capable of doing more active things. And the piece reminds me of that childhood relationship every one has with their parents, before we grow up and become too cool to talk to our parents. Before we grow up and become independent from our parents. It's about holding on to that time, keeping it close to your heart, and never forgetting it.


Even though I know you would have HATED this, I got this for you, Mama. I miss you every day.

Brainwashing at an early age.

Don't ever forget:

The sun is always rising in the sky somewhere.