Obsessed.

I miss dancing!

Can't even deal.

It's all coming back to me now.

I guess it's time for this post. 2010 was such a life changing year for me. Literally. Not one thing is the same as it was last christmas. And I hate it. I hate that I don't feel at home anywhere. My childhood house feels like nothing. I don't even remember what it used to be. I don't feel anything. The apartment in Carlsbad is nothing to me. It's a bunch of scattered memories in a unfamiliar and unwelcome place. Nothing is right, it doesn't feel like I'm home. I would kill to have my family back. I would kill to have my life back.

Does it ever get easier? I was watching a movie trailer today about parents who lost their son and the mother asked that question. Her friend's response was, "No, but it becomes bearable." I guess that's true to some extent. But bearable doesn't mean everything's okay. It doesn't mean that I'm okay not being able to call my mother every day. It doesn't mean that I am strong enough to delete her number from my phone, because I'm not.

Sometimes I don't want to be an adult. I want to hug my mom. I want to complain and bitch out and throw a fit. And now every thought of her is just a flash memory or a quick glimpse at what it would be like if she were still here. If she'd seen me go off to school. If she'd seen me in Aladdin. If she knew all the things I was doing in Santa Cruz. If every time I came to Carlsbad I had something more than an empty apartment 10 hours a day. I just feel so disconnected when I'm here.

Christmas was always her favorite time of year. I can see her now, waking up on Christmas morning, usually at around 930, which made me so angry, considering I'd been up since 6. She'd have to go into the kitchen and make her cup of coffee and a bagel with cream cheese, or do something obnoxious to make my brother and I wait even longer for the gifts we knew were awaiting. And then my parents would come and sit down, my dad on the floor by the tree, so he could distribute the presents. And mom would act surprised by the gifts she bought for herself that she said was from my brother and I. I can just see her now playing her Wii, watching her Judge Judy or Judge Hatchet or Dr. Phil. Calling me into her room to watch some obnoxious case and asking who I thought was right, or on primetime tv, if Kelly Clarkson or Beyonce was performing, she'd scream until I came running in to watch with her. I miss her text messages. I miss her ridiculous voicemails. I miss her screaming and laughing at the television. I miss her romance novels. I miss her cooking. I miss her smile. I wish she could have seen me turn 21. I wish I could have had a margarita with her when I visited in August as my first official drink with my parents; I know she would have made a huge deal about it.

I guess there's nothing really to do but move forward right? Here's to 2011. Let's see what it has in store.

Blast from the past.

I just logged into my old Yahoo! e-mail address from about 2006 until 2009 and found a whole mess of pictures I sent to myself for some reason? Check it out!

This time won't you save me?

Alright, so Thanksgiving was lovely. I am currently here in Carlsbad with my father and we had a wonderful feast last night with his brother and his brother's family. I got a moment to look back on this year and really reflect. It truly has been a crazy, crazy year. Almost every aspect of my life is different than it was in November 2009...But that's all coming in a later post. My initial inspiration for this post is something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. In premise, I would like to say that I have not posted a "relationship"post in a long time, and I am perfectly content with my life where it is. I love my school, I love my friends, I love my life. I cannot remember the last time I was truly sad. Well, I guess that would be sometime around the beginning of June, but either way, the point is I am very happy with my current situation.

Okay, so, in the past two months I have met more boyfriends and girlfriends and friends with benefits and best friends in love than I can count on two hands. I have seen more people find each other and like each other and fall for each other and cry about each other than I have ever seen in my life. I guess it's because we're all college kids, living the real college life now, right? I have seen people who have been together for 5 years and are still going strong, and people who drunkenly stumbled upon each other one night and really found a connection. Love is in the air all around me. And I refuse to be jaded enough to say that love does not exist in the gay community. I refuse to be naive enough to say the gays are too shallow to really be searching for a connection. Those used to be my excuses, my personal ways of explaining why I was so lonely. But everyone wants that intimacy and connection with someone, and that is what I am here to write about. I want a relationship, sure, but I don't want it overnight and I don't want it to be superficial. I want that feeling of someone staring at me endearingly as I get worked up, talking passionately about theater. And something like that takes time. My standards aren't unrealistic. I just won't allow myself to settle, so they feel unreachable. Boys used to stress me out, more than any of you actually know. I've gotten to a point where I realized there's nothing I can do but NOT stress out. If someone is going to love me, he is going to love me. And there is no reason I should be something or someone else for this person. It seems almost laughable doesn't it, that I would need to realize something like that? In any case, I think this is the first time in my life that I can actually say that I'm ready for a real relationship. And along with that readiness comes an extra sense of patience. Because I know the next relationship I am in will be a real one. Which is pretty liberating.

Everything is kind of a blur right now. The quarter system was interesting to adjust to at first, but it's been a good transition. But, I do not really have anything to look forward to. I can look forward to the coming quarters, and after that I can look forward to senior year, and after that I can look forward to graduation and getting a degree. But what's after that? Being here in Santa Cruz has sort of forced me to live in the now. To just enjoy the current state of whatever I'm doing. I am FOREVER living in the future, thinking of what's coming up next, anticipating doing or being a part of something that's ahead. But Santa Cruz has slowed down my racing mind and allowed me to see what's going on right in front of me. Kind of cliche, but nonetheless true. :)

In other news...

A new friend of mine has made it very clear she is an outgoing extrovert with the mouth of a sailor and the mind of a "man." She is continuously talking about how she wants to have sex, she misses getting rough with a man, she needs that feeling of a man's body on top of hers to really relax. However, I've come to learn it's just a front. And I think it's so interesting to watch the way she speaks and the manner in which she composes herself when we're with a group of people, and then to turn around and see the way she behaves with me and our other friend in one of our respective rooms. She is just one example of behavior that I see a LOT in our generation. Why? Why do we insist on giving ourselves these personas, why are we unhappy with the way we naturally are? And if we do want to change ourselves, why don't we simple change ourselves, why do we shield our actual personalities with these "super personas," just to still be the same person we're scared of showing other people underneath? And on top of that, aren't we just making it that much harder to find someone who will really love us? Are we expecting prospective lovers to accept us AND our personas? Are they like our shadows--it's a packaged deal, it's all or nothing? It seems to me that it takes more energy to be two people than it does to be one. And why do we need to put ourselves on one end of the spectrum or the other? I've found that these "personas" are typically radical, extreme, out of control, outspoken, loud, etc. and they're worn by people who are the opposite of those things. Why can't you be a quiet, meek person who sometimes gets crazy? Why can't you be an outgoing kid who sometimes keeps to yourself and has a night in? I'm definitely guilty of this too. Is it because of the people we surround ourselves with? Do our close friends and the traits of theirs that we envy make us feel inadequate?

Cleanup time.

Wow oh wow oh wow I don't even know where to begin. In eight days, I will have been in Santa Cruz for two months. It has been the most amazing experience here, and I cannot wait for the things that are about to happen to me. I feel like I'm at summer camp. I love the people here, I love the environment, I love the fact that on my walk to class every morning I can't count on two hands the number of deer I see. I love that no one has any preconceived notions about me, I love the liberating feeling of not worrying about what to wear to class because people here REALLY don't care. I love being embraced and uplifted because my skin is brown, and I'm homosexual, and I'm artistic. This place was exactly what I needed.

So, what have I been up to for the last month? I was cast in a show called Sissy in an organization called Rainbow Theater, which specializes in ethnically based plays and performances. It's basically a chance to get the voices and stories of each of these groups heard in ways they may not have been able to express in the past. I have so far had a pretty good experience meeting people and being a part of it. It obviously is not going to be anything upscale or superb, but it's really not about that, and I think that is something I really need to remember when I get frustrated with unorganized rehearsals or bad communication between the staff. What Rainbow is there for is to reach out a hand to underrepresented groups in theater and say, "Hey, you do matter. We want to hear your story." So, it feels really empowering to be a part of it because there are so many people involved in it that NEVER thought they would be part of an organization like this. The show opened last night to be totally and completely embraced by everyone in the audience. It felt so good to A) be performing again, and B) in a different kind of context. The playwright was actually in the audience and told us how proud he was of the production we put on. It felt really good to be a part of it.

In other news...

And I guess the most exciting news of all, I am currently pledging the "frarority" Delta Lambda Psi. Let me explain. In 2005, five UCSC students came back from the Western Regional GLBTQQIA Conference and wanted to increase the population and acknowledgment of the queer community on campus. They became the alpha class of Delta Lambda Psi, which began as a fraternity, but very quickly morphed into something else. They soon realized that gender is not a necessarily defining factor in someone's life, and that many people don't identify with their biological "genders" or even either gender at all. So they combined a fraternity and a sorority and DLP was born. I am really excited to be a part of this and have something to really care about and believe in. THIS is why I came UC, for experiences and opportunities like this. I can't imagine myself anywhere else right now. And although there are definitely nights when I'm sitting in my dorm room missing Carissa and Marcus and Karsyn sitting in the Amador Lakes living room eating pizza and drinking, I feel so glad and proud and privileged to be where I am today. And I promise I won't leave another two month gap in blog again. Ever. <3 :)

One week.

When you first arrive in a new city, nothing makes sense. Everything is unknown, virgin... After you've lived there, walked those streets, you'll know them inside out. You'll know those people. Once you've lived there, crossed that street 10, 20, 1000 times... it'll belong to you because you've lived there. This is about to happen to me. And I cannot wait.

Seven days until I move to Santa Cruz. Those seven days are going to speed past me. I'm in San Diego until Friday, when I'll fly back to the Bay and drive straight up to the house for the tour. This weekend will be full of stress and hard work, but it will pay off. And then, I have two days to get everything situated before I move in on Wednesday. I'm sure you all know by now how excited I am to go, but I can't help saying it again. I feel free. I feel liberated. It's a beautiful feeling, one I've never really experienced before. Of course it's going to be weird not being in the Bay - the place that I've spent the last 21 years of my life. I know the Bay Area like the back of my hand. But, my family is basically gone from there, and the friends I have there are too close to me to lose because of distance. So, really, I have nothing keeping me there. Nothing. Not work, not a love interest, not any sort of opportunities. Nothing. Why SHOULDN'T I be excited to leave? Why should I WANT to stay somewhere because it's convenient or familiar. I guess I'm just excited to be finally getting out. When my mom died, I beat myself up a lot because I felt like I had gotten nowhere for her to be proud of. Sure, I was a supervisor at Starbucks at 19 years old; sure, I was doing 15 units a semester, plus 32 hours at work, plus doing shows on the side. But, I had nothing to show for it really. I would run into people I went to high school with, and it was like, "Yup, I still live at home, I still work at Starbucks, I still go to Ohlone." And I guess that has more to do with me worrying about what other people think about me than anything else, but, growing up in a town like San Leandro, where it's "hard" to get out and succeed, I didn't want to be another statistic. So, doing this is my ticket out. I don't ever had to come back if I don't want to. The Bay Area is such a bubble. We think the rest of the world is like that, or should be like that, but it isn't, and no one says it has to be. And although I'm not going THAT far from the Bay, I cannot wait to learn a new place, and meet new people, and experience new things.

Preach.

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone, no I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
Got a right to be wrong
Gotta sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back, I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
What ever's out there waiting for me
I'm gonna face it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone, no I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

Got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
Got a right to be wrong
Gotta sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

The world is a carousel of color.

I've spent the last few weeks getting rid of almost everything I own. Selling furniture I loved and bought to feel like an adult in a real apartment even though I was still living at home, clothes I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on, DVD's, books, throwing away things I kept for false sentimental reasons. There's something liberating about not having any of the material things I used to think defined me. I just think I've grown so much from the way I was when I bought those things. When I still living at home, when the Crib was the most important thing to me, when everything that stressed me out was trivial. I FEEL like a different person.

I'm leaving the apartment on Monday. 6 days left here, and then it's a bunch of crazy traveling until I settle in Santa Cruz on the 15th. It can't come fast enough. I am so excited to be on my own, truly. I am so excited to meet new people, and to grow and define myself on my own terms. Getting rid of everything is part of being able to let go of this part of my life. Of course I'm sad to leave what I know, what is so familiar to me. But, it's also really thrilling. More thrilling than anything else I may be feeling. I want to meet people who don't know me. I want to be able to go downtown and not see 13 people I either went to high school with or spent the last 3 years getting drunk and running around the city with. The bay area has given me everything it can give to me right now, along with all the people I've encountered here; I've learned everything I can from them.

2010 has been a huge year for me. And I'm so glad I've matured in the ways I have, and I'm so glad I've grown in the ways I have. And I cannot wait to mature and grow some more. To experience more. And to really find myself in Santa Cruz. I complained a lot about community college for a long time, but I think it's important to have this kind of feeling before leaving home and having the college experience. I'm ready to leave. And I want to leave. And that's something I didn't have in 2007. This summer has been one to remember, definitely, and I cannot wait for the rest of the memories 2010 brings to me. Here's to the future!

Cuz nothing's going right, and everything's a mess, and no one likes to be alone.

Death. Morbid subject, right? But, I feel like this year has been invaded by death. It's weird because I've never ever had to deal with death before. My mother passing last month was the first time in my entire life someone I've known has died. However, I can list on two hands the number of people I've known that have died this year. 98% of them being under the age of 25, far too young. Because I've never had to deal with situations like these, I don't know HOW to deal with situations like these. I don't know what you're supposed to expect from people when someone you love has died, and I don't know what you're supposed to say to people who have lost someone. "Everyone deals with death differently." That's what everyone keeps telling me. It breaks my heart to know how many people are hurting without their loved ones.

You're my brown eyed girl.

Tattoo number three. I got it on July 5th, 2010, what would have been my mother's 60th birthday. The story is about a young boy, innocent and naive, yet to experience the world; and unable, or unwilling, to allow himself to mature and grow up. The letter in the boy's hand is in a very animated font - it reminds me of Sesame Street, or some other show from childhood - and it represents my mother. O is for her name, Odeter, and red because it is the color that reminds me of her the most. Her fiery personality along with her unending compassion and zest for life are encompassed by the small, colorful letter. Just like her, it is petite, but packs a punch. My best memories of my mother are from my youth, when she was fully healthy and capable of doing more active things. And the piece reminds me of that childhood relationship every one has with their parents, before we grow up and become too cool to talk to our parents. Before we grow up and become independent from our parents. It's about holding on to that time, keeping it close to your heart, and never forgetting it.


Even though I know you would have HATED this, I got this for you, Mama. I miss you every day.

Brainwashing at an early age.

Don't ever forget:

The sun is always rising in the sky somewhere.

I am everything I am because you loved me.

Of all the events I need outfits for, of all the times I've made emergency runs to San Francisco for a new vest, or that shirt I didn't buy that I knew I should have, I guess I never thought I'd need to run out to the mall the buy something for my mother's funeral. It's been four days since it happened, and it hasn't gotten any less sad or any less weird. That's normal, I suppose, considering it hasn't even been a week. But, I don't know how to feel. I know this is part of life, I know I'll get past it, and things will be fine, and everyone who loves me is there for me and their hearts go out to me and all that. I just don't know what to say. My whole life is faking emotions. I mean, that sounds a little harsh, but I'm so comfortable just giving a smile and a one-word answer and moving along. So, what happens when the boy who has no real problems, suddenly has to deal with one of the biggest problems he's ever faced? How do I deal, AND hide what I'm feeling. The answer is clear, I know, but also quite easier said than done. I don't even know where I'm going with this.

I've been ridiculously over-emotional since Monday. I suppose that's normal too. Is there anything that's NORMAL in a situation like this? I keep listening to "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion. That song will forever remind me of my mother. Of nights in my bedroom, blasting her album "Falling Into You" on the new stereo that I just HAD to have kept in my room. I keep crying at love songs thinking about how my parents met and how I would feel if I'd lost my love. I keep getting chills at random musical riffs or melodies, for no apparent reason. It's just a very strange time. A limbo, of sorts. Ha. How fitting.

I am not bulletproof.

That is all I can repeat in my head right now. I am not bulletproof. The semester ends on Friday, I'll be done with finals next Wednesday. And then it's summer. And then it's fall. UCSC. I feel like this is my time to grow. I am being faced with challenges and problems that I need to deal with myself. My parents aren't here to baby me. I have to be an adult. I have to be responsible. I have to be mature. And I have to know that I am not bulletproof. I am not Superman. I am not invincible. Every day, I learn something new. About myself. Every day, I pat myself on the back for that bit of knowledge I gained. I realized last week why I was so upset about my parents leaving. Despite the fact that I've been spoiled and I've never been away from them for more than a week. There is no one in my life who knows me the way they do. Not even close. I have my secrets, and I like having my secrets. I have a facade I put on, for even my closest friends. I don't want to. I just do. I'm never fully myself. It's years and years of insecurities, and I know that. Nonetheless, I always keep my emotions under control, I always keep my thoughts to myself, I always hold back. And I never did when I lived at home. When I was at home, I was able to be myself, in EVERY way. I am not myself now. And it's not that I don't want to be myself, I CANNOT be myself. I am not comfortable enough to be myself. I act like I'm the king of the world. I act like nothing can hurt me, like my zest for life never dies. But I am not bulletproof.

Question of the day...

What is virtue?

So tender.

I should tell you, I should tell you...

RENT closes tomorrow. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but I'm here to say that I will miss it. For the past four months, hell, five months, my entire existence has revolved around this show. I've spent hundreds of dollars, logged in the hours, woken up drenched in sweat from nightmares about everything falling to pieces. Welcome to the dramatic life of an actor. But this is the role of a lifetime, the chance of a lifetime, and I wanted to ensure it would be done right. I wanted to do everything in my power to make it a memorable piece of art. Perhaps that's my fault? Perhaps I stressed myself out. Either way, after last night's performance, I can honestly say I'm proud of this company. We have come SO far from the first rehearsal, and I have grown so much. It's always strange to look at something in retrospective and realize how much it has affected you, especially something you complain about 25/7. But this was a learning experience, and I definitely learned a lot. Thank you Ken Ross for casting me in such an iconic role. Thank you for being the crazy buffoon you are and frustrating me beyond belief, therefore making me realize my role in the entire process. Thank you Wesley Morgan for trusting me with my own costumes, allowing me to express myself through my fashion, in a way only Angel Dumott Schunard would have appreciated. Thank you Diana Cefalo for giving me the voice of an Angel. And thank you to my cast, for living and loving and sharing yourselves.

Loverly.

I love to singa.

Today, I looked through all my tagged photos on Facebook. I just said and remembered everything. I remembered Tommy. I remembered my friendship with Gary. I remembered drunken nights at the Crib, and early mornings at Starbucks. I remembered party after party after party at ParkMerced. I remembered all the SF State kids. I remembered the shopping trips to Urban and H&M. I remembered driving to Santa Cruz, or San Francisco, or Alameda, or San Jose, or San Mateo, or LOS ANGELES. I just remembered being young and crazy and having fun at all times. I haven't thought about that in a while. I've been stuck in this funk of working and going to class and going to rehearsal, and having fun, but not being uninhibited, not really just letting loose. And I think it's because I used to be surrounded by a group of people that I could be myself around. As painstakingly fake and materialistic and shallow the gay community is, when I used to hang out with the SF State kids, it wasn't about all that. Well, it was a little bit, but they understood me. I had a gay group. And I don't have a gay group anymore. I don't even really have a group anymore. I have my close friends. I guess I shouldn't be complaining, there was a LOT of drama that went down when I was hanging out with the gays. But I do miss it. I mean, I'm sure I'll have it all back the second I turn 21, but I guess I'm just in SUCH a transitional phase right now, I don't know what to do with myself. My parents are moving, I've moved out, and am about to move again in a few months, I'm about to be at a real school, I'm about to be 21, I'm about to be TRULY on my own. So many things are changing at the same time, and I guess I just don't have something stable to rely on like a group of gay boys to get drunk with every weekend. I know, my sarcasm is impeccable. I'm not really sure the point of this. I guess I'm just writing to say that I miss having fun ALL the time. And I know I'm growing up and it's not always gonna be fun, and I'm okay with that. Just weird to think about those times. I've had some good times in my life, and I'm not even 21 yet. 

Right now, I don't know if I should look ahead to the future, or remember the past, but there's nothing really going on in the present, and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. I just want to have fun. And I have a feeling this summer has a lot of fun in store for me. We just gotta get to summer first. 5 weeks. G'night world.

Get ready for the showdown.

Wow, let's see. School is school. I'm 89% sure I'm heading to Irvine in the fall, which is exciting and scary and insane and amazing. It actually really scares me, but I just need to get out of here. I'm done with the Bay Area. I'm officially moved in with Karsyn, and things are going well on that front. It feels really good to be able to be so independent. You're never really prepared for it, you just have to do it, I suppose. I'm transferring to a store out in Dublin, so my life is officially here in the valley. I miss my parents a lot, but I know they're doing well. It's going to be really weird when they're all settled in Oceanside. The weird thing about all the changes in my life, is that I can FEEL myself growing up. Like, I can pinpoint specific thoughts that go through my head and say, "I didn't used to think like this. I didn't used to care about things like this." Super strange. I guess the biggest news is that Jesse and I broke up. I know I talked all that shit about how I wanted to be in a relationship and I wanted someone and I was sick of being lonely, but Jesse was too much of all of that. We dated for a total of two and a half months, and VERY early on, I felt like I was married. He was trying to force himself into myself, and me into his. I mean, we both made mistakes and I'm certainly in no position to point fingers, but the point of all of this is that I've realized how important it is to NOT jump into relationships. It's vital to get to know someone before decided to date them seriously. And I know I'm guilty of getting excited about a boy and getting sucked into the idea and not seeing reality. Epiphanies come at different times to different people, and this one came late to me, but at least it came. I've been hardcore on a health kick lately, like seriously though. I'm sick of making excuses for myself and I'm sick of settling. In all aspects of my life. :)

In other news

RENT opened this weekend. It did really well actually. We got an extension for another weekend. Go us. I mean, I have a lot of opinions about the show and what is currently going on and what SHOULD be going on, but I'm proud of my cast and I think a lot of people are going to enjoy the show. It's definitely not Broadway, but I think Jonathan Larson can rest assured that we have honored his work. So if you wanna come check it out, performances are at Las Positas College every weekend of April. Obviously, Friday and Saturday nights at 8, Sunday afternoons at 2pm And that's all for now folks. ;)

Next tattoo?

"Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears,
exciting and inviting me.
Limitless, undying love which shines around me like a million suns;
It calls me on and on, across the universe."

Grey gardens.

Hey, at least I got one post up in February. I guess I just haven't really been inspired lately. My life has returned to its most comfortable place: a whirlwind of work, school, rehearsal, and no time in between for anything else. RENT is coming along, although it's been a bumpy road, to say the least. I just want to open. And, as much as I hate to say this, I want the show to be over. I absolutely think it's possible to over-rehearse, and we've been working the show since January. I'm just ready to perform. Work is usual, but I've got a new found love for it. It's a constant kind of thing, I always know what to expect when I go to work. I guess my eyes have really been opened to how hard this depression has been on everyone around me, and being in RENT, with its poverty-stricken characters, I've come to appreciate the fact that I even have a job. Today, I worked 3 extra hours at another store because they needed coverage. A year ago, hell 2 months ago, I would have said "Sorry!" I'm just glad I have a way to pay the bills. Speaking of bills, I signed my first lease yesterday. I'm moving out on March 13th. I know, right? Scary. My parents are moving to San Diego because my dad got a new job. Typing about this is a LOT easier than talking about it, because every time I talk about it, I burst into tears. I knew this year was gonna be big for me. I'm turning 21, I'll be done with Ohlone, I'm really beginning my life. But, all of this is so soon. And it's all at the same time. I won't have my parents here to run back to when times get hard. I won't have that comfort of being back in my childhood home. My parents, the familiarity of my own street, knowing the back roads of my city, my entire childhood will be gone come May. And it's really sad to think about. I guess everyone gets pushed out of the bird's nest to see if they can fly. And now's the time. It's really time to grow up.

It's coming.

I miss this.

This will always make me smile. And cry.

Life's Big Questions

Does knowledge hold us back?


Knowledge comes with a price: certainty. When we know something for sure (or think we do, anyway), doesn’t it pull us out from living in the mystery of the next moment—in the unknowable and infinite possibilities? Isn't that part of the fun in life? Do we really find more comfort having all the answers and limiting possibility? Or should we instead adopt a beginner's mind to every situation, where what we 'know' is only one of many potential outcomes?


"In the beginner's mind, there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind, there are few." --Shunryu Suzuki

This is how my heart behaves.

"My heartbeat beats me senselessly. Why's everything gotta be so intense with me?"

Sometimes I feel like a 16 year old girl. I go through this range of emotions in very small increments of time, from one extreme end of the spectrum to the other and everything in between. In other words, I overanalyze everything. And I love the beginning stages of relationships because of that. That scary, unpredictable feeling that hits your stomach as your mind tries to figure out the meaning behind someone else's actions. It makes me feel alive. I'm to the point that I know what I want and what I look for in someone. And when I meet someone who possesses said qualities, I can't help but get excited, especially when said person shows an interest in me. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a smitten kitten. I don't think there's anything wrong with allowing someone to run through your mind all day. But society sets limits and gives us rules. Society tells us to wait three days before you call, to not callback right away, to come up with strategies, and to play tons of games. I don't see anything wrong with letting someone know that you like them. I don't see anything wrong with telling someone you would love to grow close to them, to be someone they depend on, to be something important to them. People love to hear that kind of stuff, right? And if someone is ready and willing to be there for me, why would that be scary? Why are we so worried about seeming desperate? Why do we go against our natural instincts and force ourselves to conservatively, politely, and passionlessly date?

I'm ready to know love again.

<3

Life's Big Questions

Are we universally addicted to the search for meaning?

Quote of the year.

"To live will be an awfully big adventure."






=D

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

2010 is here, and I'm ready to face it head on. Although I do love my life and the person I am, I'm ready for new experiences and adventures. I'm ready for all the life-changing events that will be happening this year. But, I'm most ready for new relationships. I want...no, I NEED, just one relationship to be easy. And when I say easy, I don't mean easy. I mean, I need to meet someone who isn't an idiot, who isn't "unsure" of what he wants, who doesn't "need to get his priorities in order." I don't want to have to play all those games. i always think that my standards are too high, that if I had reasonable expectations, I wouldn't be single. But, in all actuality, I don't ask for much. I just want to be treated the way I should be treated. I want to be more than your good time. I want to meet someone who is willing to give it a try, who is willing to take a chance, who is willing to love like he's never felt heartbreak. I am so optimistic about love. Despite EVERYTHING. So, why is it so hard to meet someone who has the same attitude? Who is just WILLING. This year, I just need someone willing.

I have said recently I don't want to date until I transfer schools. It's not that I don't want to date, I just want to let it be. I want to let whatever will happen happen. What I mean is, I don't want to worry about dating. I don't want to frivolously worry about inconsequential boys. I don't want to deal with all the drama of boys who don't know how to deal. And maybe part of that is my fault, I need to learn how to filter out the bad ones. But until I have that gift, I don't want to go out of my way looking for love. That's how they get us. It's like the lion preying on the vulnerable. Sometimes I feel that my optimism about love is really masking my naivety. But that's not true either. I have learned a lot about relationships in the past, say, 5 years. I know I'm an amazing partner. I know I can make someone really happy. I just need someone to be willing. Someone who wants to see what happens, who doesn't just wanna hook up when it's convenient for them, who will really put in the effort. It's not like I need a husband. I just need someone who knows how to not be a douche.